Your Therapist Shouldn't Kink Shame
If you’ve ever walked into a therapy session, opened up about a kink, fetish, or non-traditional relationship dynamic, and walked out feeling judged or ashamed… I'm really sorry, that shouldn't happen. Therapy is supposed to be the one place where you can lay it all out, say the shit you’re scared to say out loud, and not be made to feel like there’s something wrong with you.
And if your therapist makes a face, changes the subject, labels you with some outdated diagnosis, or starts questioning your morality because you enjoy consensual BDSM or non-monogamy? That’s a red flag on them, not you.
Therapy Is Supposed to Be a Safe Space
Therapy only works when there’s trust. If you don’t feel like you can be honest with your therapist, or you feel like you have to censor who you are to be taken seriously, it messes with everything. You deserve a space where your identity, your preferences, your relationships, and your pleasure are respected.
That includes:
Kink and BDSM dynamics
Fetishes or roleplay
Dominant/submissive structures
Polyamory, ENM, relationship anarchy
Power exchange and consensual control
Sexual identities and preferences that fall outside the "norm"
If these things are part of your life, or even if they’re just curiosities you’re exploring, you shouldn’t have to defend them in therapy. And you definitely shouldn’t be told they’re “symptoms” of trauma or pathology unless there is actual evidence that’s the case and you’re the one wanting to explore it.
Let’s Talk About Kink and Stigma
There’s a long, shitty history in the mental health field of pathologizing anything that doesn’t fit into a neat little box. Kink, for a long time, was seen as deviant or dysfunctional. Some of those old ideas still show up in training programs, diagnostic criteria, or therapists' personal biases.
But kink isn’t a disorder.
The current diagnostic manual (the DSM-5-TR) is actually pretty clear on this. You can enjoy kink, engage in consensual BDSM, or have fetishes and not have a mental health diagnosis. In fact, most people who are into kink are psychologically healthy, creative, and often more self-aware than the general public because they’ve had to think about their desires, communication, and boundaries.
Kink can be a source of empowerment, release, connection, and joy. It can help people reclaim their bodies. It can provide structure and meaning. It can just be fun. And that’s okay.
If Your Therapist Doesn’t Get It, That’s Their Work To Do
No therapist is perfect. But if your therapist doesn’t understand something about your lifestyle, their job is to stay curious, not to judge. Their job is to ask respectful questions, to educate themselves, and to make sure you feel safe and seen, not to try and make you fit into their comfort zone.
If a therapist starts pathologizing your interests without context, that’s a problem. If they imply that your desires are a result of trauma, especially when you haven’t said that, that’s a problem. And if they make you feel ashamed for consensual adult choices, that’s a big problem.
You shouldn’t have to play therapist to your therapist. If they can’t hold space for all of who you are, including the parts that turn you on or bring you pleasure, they’re not the right fit.
Consent, Communication, and Care
Ironically, the kink and BDSM communities often model some of the best practices for communication and consent. Negotiation? Boundaries? Aftercare? These are all things therapists should be familiar with.
If a therapist hears “I’m in a D/s relationship” and immediately assumes you’re being abused or lack autonomy, they’re missing the point. If they hear “I like pain during sex” and jump to childhood trauma, they’re not listening to you, they’re reacting to their own discomfort.
Healthy kink dynamics involve more communication than most vanilla relationships. And when issues do come up, they’re often very similar to any other relationship concern: navigating needs, emotions, trust, and change. Not everything needs to be about the kink itself.
How to Know If Your Therapist Is Kink-Affirming
Here are a few signs that your therapist actually gets it:
They explicitly state that they’re kink-affirming or alternative-lifestyle friendly in their bio or intake forms.
They ask open, respectful questions rather than making assumptions.
They understand that not all kink is trauma-driven.
They don't try to steer the conversation away from your identity or lifestyle.
They validate your experiences and autonomy without trying to “fix” what isn’t broken.
If you’re not sure, it’s okay to ask upfront. You can say, “I’m involved in kink/ENM/alternative relationships. Are you affirming of those lifestyles?” A good therapist will welcome that question. A great one will thank you for sharing it.
You Deserve Better
If you’ve had a bad experience with a therapist shaming you for your kink, I want you to know it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong by being honest. You were brave. And you deserve a therapist who meets that bravery with respect, not judgment.
You are not broken for wanting what you want.
You are not “too much” for needing a certain kind of dynamic.
You are not a diagnosis for living outside the norm.
You’re a full human being, and therapy should support all of you, not just the parts that feel comfortable to someone else.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been burned by past therapists, it’s okay to take your time finding the right fit. But don’t give up on therapy just because someone couldn’t hold space for you. The right therapist will celebrate your wholeness, not shrink it.
And if you ever hear someone say, “You need to stop that to get better,” when “that” is a healthy, consensual, identity-affirming part of your life… walk away.
You deserve better than shame in a space that’s meant for healing.
